In the July series, Soft Skills Basic Training, we’re working through five major soft skills—adaptability, creativity, discernment, empathy, and healthy self-esteem. Empathy can be a tough nut to crack. You may think you intuitively understand it, but could you define it?
Oxford Dictionary defines empathy as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” It also lists qualities such as compassion, kindness, decency, goodness, concern, and insight. Those qualities are helpful descriptors, but they also demonstrate why empathy can be confusing. There is no single, sure-fire way to be empathetic.
For instance, “decency” isn’t binary like a red or green light. It can change depending on the situation. It’s kind of like the joke, “I’ll know it when I see it!” Sometimes being decent is telling a hard truth. But other times, it’s holding back and saying nothing for the moment.
That kind of ambiguity shows why empathy can leave you mystified. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I want to spend the day feeling uncertain and uncomfortable!”? Yeah—I’m still waiting to hear that, too!
One way to feel at ease with empathy is to practice with yourself. That’s what my friend Kay discovered.
Kay was blind-sided when her start-up shut down. She said, “I knew funds were tight, but the founders were optimistic about getting another round of funding. I had no idea how bad things were.”
I thought she might launch into a story about filing dozens of resumes or anxiously prepping for interview loops. Instead, she told me that she had decided to freelance.
“A friend of a friend runs a management consulting firm and offered to take me to lunch. Her business is expanding so fast that she needed help managing operations. Right now, it’s working for both of us,” Kay said, smiling. “She gets more time to grow her business, and I have a steady income. I thought, Pushing myself into a job that looks just like my last one is crazy. I need a minute before I make another commitment!”
Kay’s story shows you can treat yourself just like your best friend would. Would a friend demand that you stay in a miserable career? Of course not! Instead, they would show you concern, offer helpful insights, and be kind and gentle.
Words like compassion, kindness, and concern have an interesting commonality—they’re all action words. That means that empathy isn’t passive—it requires mindful action. Use those actions whether you’re at odds with someone else or battling with the nagging voice in your head putting you down for being human.
So, instead of feeling uncomfortable, use empathy:
We all need empathy. Become as good at receiving it as you are giving to others.