In last week’s column, “5 Ways to Say, I Support You,” we talked about how to comfort venting about their no-good day. But what happens when the shoe is on the other foot, and you’re the one on the receiving end of someone pushing and shoving their way through the world? Do you get tongue-tied searching for the right response?
Mr. Rogers once described hard conversations like this: “It is only natural that we and our child find many things hard to talk about. But anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be manageable. The mentioning can be difficult and the managing, too, but both can be done if we’re surrounded by love and trust.”
Let’s be clear: Every conversation isn’t based on love and trust. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t use qualities like being curious and fair to bridge the gap.
Let me tell you how my colleague Eliza slowed down her hurricane of a boss.
It didn’t take long for rumors to start about Eliza’s new manager, Caroline. Caroline saw herself as enthusiastic and dedicated, but other people described her as a real-life version of the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil. That was, everyone except Eliza.
I couldn’t help but ask when we talked. “You seem to have found the secret to working with Caroline. Care to share?” I joked.
Eliza shrugged her shoulders. “Caroline is just like my sister and her husband—always popping off about their latest world domination takeover plan. I love them, but I’ve learned to take their 50,000-foot view of life with a grain of salt. When Caroline does the same thing, I agree with her but say, “That What sounds awesome, but we’ll need some How’s to get it off the ground. Let’s talk!” No surprise—plans always shift once we zoom in on the details.”
In the July series, Communication, the Mr. Rogers Way, we’re learning how to emulate Fred Rogers’ friendly, common-sense style to be better communicators. Eliza’s solution impressed me because she didn’t react out of upset, letting her manager’s behavior get the best of her. Instead, she used the soft skill of discernment and made a smart choice to slow down. She mimicked Mr. Roger’s advice that “..anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be manageable.”
If hitting the pause button has seemed awkward and unmanageable, try these five phrases:
* For people going too fast in a random hallway conversation, say, “Let’s get these good ideas on paper in a quick sync.”
* For people who like to debate and hate to decide, say, “There’s a lot to consider—let’s discuss the options today and make a final decision later this week.”
* For people who jump from one idea to the next, say, “What are the top 2 or 3 priorities to accomplish so everything else will fall into place?”
* For people starting to get hostile, say, “I’m sure we both want a constructive, positive outcome—is it best to reconvene?”
* For people who need to have a heart-to-heart, say, “Now may not be the time, but we can talk about anything.”
You can also support yourself with three simple affirmations:
The world is filled with people who like to leap before they look, so you won’t win every battle. But here’s your go-to response whenever you feel rushed: “That sounds important—let’s talk more.”