Have you ever had situations that left you unsettled, with feelings running the gamut from being a little embarrassed to outright shame? Shame itself isn’t the big problem—the trouble is reliving the pain. When you give weight to a constant stream of negative thoughts like, “I can’t believe I didn’t get that right. I always mess up. Life will always be like this,” shame becomes the boss of you, but you can change that. In the October series, Shake Off Shame, we’ll talk about four common shame thoughts and how to address them using soft skills.
One type of shame is, “I got myself into this mess!” and it can be one of the hardest to get over. Let me tell you how Matt Herrick battled and won this fight.
Matt Herrick can tell you a lot about cheat day food. He was a regular at Jack in the Box and loved indulging his sweet tooth with Toaster Strudel sundaes. He thought his habits were harmless until he wound up in the hospital. The diagnosis was grim: By his mid-twenties, he was over 300 pounds and had gallstone-induced pancreatitis. There was only one answer: He had to stop late-night Chinese takeout and start exercising.
The weight dropped off as Matt started to cook for himself and work out, but diet changes weren’t the hardest part: Dealing with the shame of his condition was what really got to him. When he was in the hospital, his family refused to visit. His sister told him what he already knew: “You did this to yourself.”
Matt still loves a good piece of pie, but now he counters his sweet tooth with work-out sessions. He’s lost over 100 pounds; however, his most significant win has been dumping the self-image that made him start binging. He remembers, “I hated myself. I loathed the man I saw in the mirror. I thought I was ugly and unlovable.”
Matt beat shame the moment he understood that he wasn’t mad at food—he was upset with himself and his choices. Once he faced that realization, he could take charge of his life, and that’s an action everyone can take!
Are you also in a situation where you’re fighting the hard truth that you got yourself into a mess? Where you want to blame something or someone else because facing yourself is too painful? Reclaim your personal power using the soft skills of compassion and creativity.
Think back to a friend who made a mistake. Maybe they were even like Matt, where years of mistakes added up to a bad situation. Would you ask them to stay in turmoil, reliving those mistakes? Or would you encourage them to let the shame and blame go? You won’t feel at ease until you show yourself the same kindness. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way: “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.”
Once you’ve calmed your mind and emotions, use your imagination to determine what changes you’ll make. Matt put his creative skills to work discovering new recipes and fun, motivating workout activities. You could start the turnaround process and shake off shame by journaling answers to the statement, “This time, I made a mistake. Next time, I will ____. “ For instance:
* Next time, I’ll course correct early
* Next time, I’ll ask someone I trust for advice
* Next time, I’ll treat myself with the same compassion I give others
You may have gotten yourself into a mess, but you are creative and compassionate enough to get yourself out. Shake off shame and step into your future.