Change From a Fixer to an Ally

Has personal power or self-confidence ever felt like a virus? It rolled in for 24 hours, and then it was gone?!

Then practice this idea instead: Genuine power is calm, confident, and consistent. Being calm and confident sounds easy enough—it’s the “consistent” part that can be hard to do! So, in the May series, Genuine Power Do’s and Don’ts, I’ll take you through some of the techniques from my free bestseller, Genuine Power: 7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World.

The first lesson is to “Control the Burn,” Technique #4 in Genuine Power. When you “Control the Burn,” you’re aware of how you’re showing up and using your energy. That sounds straightforward, right? But it can be tempting to hit the turbocharge button, especially when you’re working under a time constraint.

Let me tell you how a colleague changed from an anxious fixer to a supportive ally after years of parachuting into the middle of other people’s battles.

Linda Changes from a Fixer to an Ally

“You’ve managed for five years. What’s one big lesson learned that you would pass on to new managers?” I asked my friend Linda as we practiced for the Women’s Lunch Q&A.

“Become an ally!” she answered enthusiastically.

“That’s a great answer!” I told her. “You must have a million stories about how you jumped in and saved the day!”

“Oh, I jumped in, but I’m not sure about saving the day,” Linda laughed. “I thought good managers were engaged, but the first year on the job, I was too eager! Another manager casually mentioned she heard that my team felt like they needed to hold back information. The minute I found out about a problem, I not only addressed it—I attacked it!”

“But I don’t get it. Weren’t people asking for your help?” I asked.

“I thought so, but I slowly realized I had so much energy that I overwhelmed people. I don’t have to be a fixer to have a successful 1:1—I need to be supportive. It’s just as productive to brainstorm or talk about the personalities involved.” Linda shook her head. “I may see all the possibilities, but I had to develop the humility to know that I don’t have all the answers.”

How You Can Practice Genuine Power

Have you ever been like Linda, where you wanted to download your big idea and it turned into a non-stop monologue? And did that conversation unexpectedly backfire? You may have had the best intentions in the world, but solely advocating for your way isn’t calm, confident, consistent genuine power. At its worst, it’s projecting your will or even steamrolling.

The next time you want to jump in with instant answers, manage your energy with the Control the Burn technique. Here are your Do’s and Don’ts:

1. Do use soft skills like empathy and discernment to understand when and how deeply to engage. The common thread—whether you’re talking to a colleague, your partner, or kid—is understanding that the other person’s unspoken need is often to be heard, validated, and think through the options.
2. Don’t be too quick to drive your solution, even if the answers seem obvious. Reflect on how it felt when someone tried to write your life’s script.
3. Do become a patience and listening ninja. Your personal power isn’t limited to conjuring a microwave miracle. You’re equally powerful when you stay present, hear someone out, and let them find their own answers.

Take all your positive energy and redirect it from pushing your will into being an ally—the person who stands shoulder-to-shoulder as someone navigates the ups and downs of their journey. Stay in genuine power by controlling the burn.