Change Proactive Listening to Present Listening

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When my friend Zara said she had two days of training scheduled for her new real estate job, I expected to hear about negotiating inspection repairs or pricing a home. So, I was startled when she told me that most of the first day was about convincing clients to say yes.

I was skeptical, but I said, “OK—let’s hear it! Convince me!”

“They go like this:

• When you say, “I don’t know about the neighborhood,” I say, “This is a wonderful yard for children. Wouldn’t you agree?”
• When you say, “I can’t afford this house,” I say, “The seller made so many wonderful upgrades. Don’t you think?”
• And when you seem indecisive about the layout, I suggest, “It may seem like a lot of room now, but you mentioned plans to start a family. Isn’t that right?”

Those end phrases made me tense—how about you? They probably sound familiar because in Sales, they’re known as “tie-downs,” where you try to push the client into making a quick decision. Technically, tie-downs are questions, but when you heard them, did you feel like you were in an open dialogue? Probably not!

It demonstrates why asking questions doesn’t always translate into being a receptive, thoughtful listener. Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters described the dangers of tie-downs this way: “If you ask truly curious questions, [you don’t] have the hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing or correcting. Curious questions don’t begin with, “Wouldn’t you agree…?” or “Don’t you think…?”

The Words Said are Only Half the Story

In the February series, Four Partnership Builders, we’re talking about ways to strengthen your relationships. I’ll tell you a secret from my experience as a contract negotiator—the words said are only part of the story. The way to truly strengthen your partnerships is to change proactive listening to present listening.

For instance, you may have a rapid-fire counter-argument set to go. But if you’re only fixated on making your point, you’ll miss the quiet, understated messages that tell you the true state of the conversation—the hesitation here or there or responses like, “Well, um, maybe…”

Take the Present Listening Challenge

Whether you’re talking to your teenager or a potential business partner, use the soft skill of empathy to transform your listening skills. Be the partner you’d like to have: One who listens to understand your point of view, not the person who waits for you to take a breath so they can jump in. The partner who provides insights you overlooked. And the partner who lends a shoulder with compassionate understanding.

Here are three ways you can become a better listening partner:

• Make it fast by taking 30 seconds to declare, “When others speak, I am fully present and listen with an open mind.”
• Make it deep by taking 30 minutes to remember times when you rushed through a conversation to get to “yes.” What did you miss?
• Make it real by challenging yourself to listen with curiosity (even when you have a killer response waiting!).

The next time you hear yourself saying “Wouldn’t you agree…?” or “Don’t you think…?”, slow down. Change your goal from getting the jump with a quick response to staying curious. Build your partnerships by changing proactive listening to present listening.