Dig into the Solution

The other day, my Zoom call was dangerously close to going off the rails. One person got frustrated, the next person one-upped them with a snappy comeback, and everyone was suddenly forcing their point. Have you ever been in a room like that?

The punch line was that everyone was a little bit right and a little bit wrong. But amicably finding middle ground got lost in the mix because all creative thinking had gone out the window. People were so busy digging into their position that they had forgotten to dig into the solution.

Disagreements are going to happen, but don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to decide what to do. Make up your mind ahead of time that you’ll use all the soft skills you have at your disposal. As Victor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Let me tell you how a friend learned that personal empowerment meant putting down her box of matches before she accidentally burned every bridge.

Shannon Addresses Misunderstandings Early

My friend Shannon groaned as I told her about my Case of the Mondays conference call. “That sounds like it spiraled into a HUGE power struggle. There was a time when I would have been leading the charge!”

“But now you’ve been to the mountain top?” I teased.

“No—I’m still pretty spicy, but I’ve learned there’s a lot of ground between “good-bye for now” and “good riddance.” Not everyone is my family!” Shannon laughed.

“The sparring, loud, in everybody’s business bunch? I thought they were champion fighters!” I said.

“That’s true, but there’s a lot of love there, too. Since we’re family, we always find a way back—I thought everyone was like that. But when I got out on my own in my 20s, friends or colleagues would make me mad, and I’d slam a door. Then people would ignore me when I tried to walk it back. So, I had to start paying attention to the signs that something was off and fix little disagreements along the way.” Shannon sighed, “Some doors I slammed wouldn’t reopen, no matter how hard I tried.”

How You Can Practice Genuine Power

In the May series, Genuine Power Do’s and Don’ts, we’re talking about techniques from my bestseller, Genuine Power: 7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World. Shannon’s story shows how power struggles may feel good in the moment, but they always end-up in a dead-end.

The better path is to use the technique to Update to Confrontation 2.0. Like Shannon, you may have grown up in an environment worthy of its own reality show—people were always ready to rage or tip over a table to make their point. If that’s your version of confrontation, of course you want to avoid it. However, when you reframe confrontation as addressing differences of opinion, you will approach it with the key qualities of genuine power—you’ll be calm, confident, and consistent.

Here are your Do’s and Don’ts to Update to Confrontation 2.0:

1. Do reflect on how you think about confrontation. Instead of accepting the idea that confrontation automatically leads to a stand-off, define your style of confrontation.
2. Don’t rely on force and call it empowerment. Remember, you won’t have leverage in every situation, so keep talking instead of issuing ultimatums.
3. Do use soft skills whenever you can. Have the healthy self-confidence to confront issues when they’re small, then be adaptable and creative.

The next time you feel like doubling-down and forcing your viewpoint, take a step back and remember what Han Solo said, “The Force doesn’t work that way!” Stay in genuine power by updating to confrontation 2.0.