I once took a negotiation class from Martin Latz, author of Gain the Edge: Negotiating to Get What You Want. He told a funny story about a spicy client prone to outbursts and walk-out moments.
But his takeaway was anything but laughable. He warned the audience that it was our job as legal professionals to know how far a client could be pushed. Some people get over a bad moment in 20 minutes. But others won’t come back to that negotiation room in 20 years, no matter how much you beg!
In the February series, Serious Skills for Serious Relationships, we’re discussing how you can use people skills to sidestep relationship errors. Social media is filled with people bragging about putting a difficult person in their place. But think twice before you follow their lead. That’s because every meeting, interaction, conversation, and communication is either building or breaking your reputation.
Let’s meet someone who learned the hard way that serious conversations need serious skills.
It was clear as we stood waiting for the elevator that Liesel was down in the dumps. “What’s the problem?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m fine. A conversation at a meeting got a little out of hand this morning. That’s all,” she said with a wave of her hand.
“Let me guess: The woman who always talks over people crossed a line?” I cautiously asked.
“Exactly!” Liesel laughed. “This morning a video popped up on my feed saying to call out bad behavior. So, I stepped in and shut her down. I mean, I thought I was empowering myself.”
“Then what happened?”
“She went quiet, but I guess one hallway conversation led to another. My manager swung by and said the feedback from The Big Room meeting included words like “unrestrained” and “lacking skills.” This deal would have put me over the finish line for that quarterly bonus,” Liesel sighed. “Now I’m not sure how I’ll come back from this.”
I really felt for Liesel—who among us hasn’t wanted to clap back at someone who’s irritating? But here’s the tangle with taking advice from a 30 second TikTok at face value: The person speaking doesn’t know the dynamics of the situation, or the people involved—that’s why it’s easy for them to tell you to spout off. They don’t have to live with the consequences. You do.
One-upping may feel good in the moment, but it paints you in a corner. By comparison, people skills give you options. Using them doesn’t make you weak or vulnerable. Instead, serious skills help keep hard conversations constructive.
For instance, serious people know being empowered means keeping your cool when you feel like stomping out of the room. Serious people hear petty insults and instinctively know how to regroup and come back to the table the next day. And serious people recognize that some people are like the saying, “an elephant never forgets.” That means that some sharp words spoken will never have an expiration date. These insights apply to work, but also to your most important relationships: friends, family, and community groups.
So, the next time you feel ready to blow, de-escalate the confrontation with one of these five bridging phrases (and be sure to brainstorm phrases that feel natural to you). Skip forcing or ultimatums and start asserting your personal power with dignity, sincerity, and curiosity.
For instance, pivot by saying:
Spats and snark never look good on you. Instead, think of how others will be impressed by your poise, professionalism, and maturity. Do you know who’s watching? Your next manager, future mentor, or someone who can open the door to the Big Opportunity. So, maintain your composure and choose your words wisely. Think subtle, surgical, and sophisticated—that’s how you show up as a serious person.