I thought I had it all figured out when I went to buy my current car. I’d negotiate with the local dealer, who would order the perfect model from a dealer I had found online one state away.
Just for kicks, I searched one last time before I went to the dealer. There was my perfect car—50 miles away. My elaborate, complicated master plan was a big zilch, but that was a good thing!
It’s important to draw the distinction between action and motion. That’s the idea behind Technique #7, “Stop Directing Traffic,” from my free bestseller, Genuine Power—7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World. Like my car purchase, throwing yourself into plotting a long list of steps to get to your goal may make you feel powerful, especially when you’re in the middle of a crisis like the pandemic. However, you’ve stepped out of genuine power when you begin to steer people or situations in a specific direction. The way to reignite your personal power is to allow possibility back into the conversation.
Let’s meet Gemma, who has the future with her boyfriend carved in stone, although he doesn’t know it yet.
“Brendan’s been so great about everything,” Gemma said warmly.
Pete didn’t know what to say to his sister. Gemma had started the conversation raving about her new apartment and fresh routine. But now he wondered if she was back to square one. She had broken up with Brendan before, but somehow, they always found their way back to each other.
“What do you mean?” Pete asked, tensing up. “I thought Brendan was out of the picture.”
“Well . . . sort of,” Gemma stammered. “But I took the furniture when we split, so he helped me move in.”
“Seriously?” Pete grumbled, raising an eyebrow.
“Pete! Don’t say that. I couldn’t move everything myself!” Gemma joked. “Of course, we see each other. Breckenridge isn’t a big city. We have the same set of friends, and most of them work or hang out at the ski resort. I’m not going to give up Colorado skiing just because we broke up.”
“I’m not saying you should hide out. But take this time to focus on what you want. Do you know what I mean?” he asked cautiously.
Gemma was quiet.
Pete pressed on. “It never seemed like you two were in sync. You were looking at real estate listings for your dream house and thinking about a family. Brendan’s biggest priority was planning his next weekend with the guys.”
“I know what you’re saying, but all that’s in the past. Isn’t it fair to let it be in the past? Give and take is part of any relationship. If I spend time doing what he likes to do, maybe he won’t be so nervous about buying a house together.” Gemma’s voice brightened. “Doesn’t a couple’s ski trip sound fun? I’m going to talk to him about it tonight.”
“I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself, sis. Coordinating your friends and booking vacations is another example where you’re doing everything while Brendan’s just along for the ride,” Pete pleaded. “Think of the road ahead. Is that the future you want?”
“I’ve had enough of this conversation,” Gemma interrupted. “I’m strong. I moved out. But I need to do what’s right for me, and that might be getting back together with Brendan. Why can’t you be happy for me?”
In the conversation above, it’s easy to get sidetracked by all the moving pieces. But the point isn’t about whether Gemma’s ex is a bad guy or just a little misunderstood by an overprotective family. The real question is whether Gemma has the courage to face the unknown.
I’ve been like Gemma—how about you? Have you thought that you could only be happy if a situation ended a single way? What I’ve learned is that if you only feel confident when you’re calling the shots, you’re going to feel miserable most of the time. That’s because power dynamics are a wildcard—no one has leverage all the time.
However, that doesn’t mean your sense of self must suffer. Your essence is the same even when it seems the world around you is crumbling. So, draw on the soft skill of healthy self-confidence, knowing the calm, wise, insightful part of you has what it takes to figure life out, even when situations aren’t turning out as you hoped.
Here are three ways you can stop directing traffic:
If you’re tempted to direct traffic, remember that trying to control the outcome is like standing in the middle of a busy highway. In the past, power was often construed as making a plan and then sticking to it. However, true strength acknowledges the unknown. It says, “I may not know or can control what’s coming next, but I’m going to be OK. I believe in myself.”
In the May series, Power Up!, we’ve discussed four techniques you can use to reignite your personal power as we face a new normal from my bestseller, Genuine Power—7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World.
Here’s a recap of what we’ve learned:
Outdated power thrives by tearing other people down, chasing money and possessions, or living behind a mask of swagger and narcissism. Although those short-run choices might seem to make sense in the moment, they’re terrible investments. They inevitably fade or end as power dynamics change; that’s why people and institutions are crumbling all around us.
Instead, embrace genuine power, which has ease, contentment, and humility. You can adjust to an uncertain, changing world by acting as the creative, wise CEO of your life—a Soul Boss. When you know your true self can’t be shaken by whatever comes your way, you’re showing genuine power.
To download your free copy of Genuine Power, visit your favorite bookseller. Ditch the tired, obsolete version of destructive power and live a Soul Boss life, where you stay the boss of you. Go from tripped up to powered up!