My financial advisor has decided it’s time to expand her job description. Facts and figures are still critical to managing a portfolio, but what is just as important is understanding the true state of her client’s mindset. She boiled down her new outlook to a single sentence: “I need to get past ‘Fine’.”
This year, everyone has probably used “Fine” more than usual simply to avoid a heavy, hard conversation about how things are really going. You may have even felt a little embarrassed about feeling weighed down by anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that you have to keep your game face on. You can find the sweet spot by combining compassion with honesty—take time to understand your feelings, then drop your guard once you’re in safe company.
Let me tell you about the surprising connections Lily Collins made by taking the path of honesty.
Lily Collins detailed her struggle with an eating disorder in her 2017 book, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me. Recovery has been an everyday process, and there are still plenty of days when Lily has anxiety or feels stressed. You might think Lily would be concerned about protecting her status as a rising young actress, but the opposite is true. Being vulnerable about her story has paved the way for deeper connections.
Lily says, “The second I have a conversation about how I’m feeling and someone else goes, ‘Oh God. Yeah. I was feeling that way as well.’ Even if the situation is different but the emotions are the same, you can connect as humans and go, ‘OK, we’re all going through this, and therefore I can learn and grow from the situation and feel supported and support someone else in it’, and it’s not as scary as it may seem.”
Like Lily, do you have days where anxiety seems to take on a life of its own? Passing concerns about a big presentation or second thoughts about getting a heart-to-heart conversation right can spiral into draining thoughts like:
The good news is that you don’t have to leave your overactive mind in the driver’s seat. You can turn to the soft skill of adaptability to calibrate your behavior for the day. The idea of “calibrating” is simple—it means you either turn the volume up or down on your choices so you’re in the flow in every situation.
For instance, some days, you’ll quickly defuse anxiety and breeze past nervous thoughts with a few deep breaths, by saying some affirmations, or by taking a couple of minutes to visualize a successful outcome. Other days, you’ll need to slow the pace down. Getting back to a neutral state will require limiting how many activities you take on, deciding to have some quiet time, or reaching out to a trusted friend or counselor.
Whenever you feel isolated or think that you’re the only person struggling, get past “Fine” by remembering Lily Collins’ story. Pull yourself out of the anxiety spiral with three simple reminders:
* We’re all going through this.
* I can learn and grow from any situation.
* Support is everywhere—I know how to ask for and give support.
In the October series, Shake off Shame, we’ve talked about four common kinds of shame and how to transform them. Life is filled with experiences that might trigger shame. We all say the wrong things sometimes. We make decisions we wish we hadn’t made. And we stick with the wrong purchase, the wrong job, or the wrong person out of pride.
When those situations happen, you can either fall into shame, where you try to hide the problem, resist it, or make it untrue, or you can act like the creative, wise CEO of your life—a Soul Boss—and take charge. Use soft skills like healthy self-esteem, empathy, discernment, and adaptability to break up fleeting thoughts before they grow into beliefs and patterns.
Do you need to take feedback and learn? Yes. But do you learn best by putting yourself down and being unkind? Never.
Here’s an overview of the four techniques we’ve learned:
Before self-doubts about your past, anxiety about the future, or hopelessness take hold and become the boss of you, shake off that shame. However you decide to respond will be right for you and right for the moment, but you do need to act. Reclaim your personal power and your wellbeing one conversation, one decision, and one day at a time.