I’m pleased to announce the release of my free ebook, Genuine Power—7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World and the companion book, 101 Genuine Power Affirmations for a Loud, Complicated World. Both books are available for download at your favorite bookseller.
In this week’s excerpt, we’ll start by deconstructing power into three building blocks and looking at our biases. We’ll also explore the ultimate wildcard, power dynamics.
Ditch the tired, obsolete version of destructive power and live a Soul Boss life, where you stay the boss of you.
There’s no getting around it: We all need a certain amount of personal power to be successful in everyday life. So, why is talking about power such a difficult conversation?
Think of the first words and phrases that spring to mind—they’re usually negative. Abuse of power. Throwing your power around. Power struggle. Power play. Destructive, manipulative power is all around us, from the angry guy next door trying to run the neighborhood to the leaders in our political arena. No wonder we’re so conflicted about what it means to be powerful.
Maybe you’ve decided that the negative expression of power isn’t for you. But having made this decision, are you stuck because you haven’t figured out what to do instead? Being kind, authentic, and empowered in a loud, complicated world sounds good, but it’s hard to describe how to get there.
I’ll give you the good news up front: What feels right to you is right. There is no one-size-fits-all style of being powerful.
Say, “Powerful,” and then close your eyes for a moment. What do you see? Maybe you envision an elderly, male Wall Street banker in a three-piece suit barking orders. Do you like what you’re seeing, or does your stomach flip flop?
Let me give you another image: an expert, fearless, female martial arts master easily defeating every rival. When you reframe power as the second image, do you get a different feeling about what power can be?
That short visualization exercise demonstrates our immediate biases around what power is and isn’t. So, let’s start from scratch and identify three common building blocks of power: Control, skills, and internal qualities.
· Control. When we ask, “Who’s in power?” we’re usually referring to someone with authority or influence. When you think of the Wall Street banker, you might unintentionally project other “control” qualities, like being autocratic, stern, unwavering, hostile, or ruthless. In a personal sense, you might feel that you’re powerless unless you’re in charge.
· Skills. When we think, “What makes someone powerful?” we’re talking about someone’s competence or ability. You could remember a former boss or colleague who accomplished incredible things yet lacked compassion. Alternately, you might feel like you’ll always be lacking without the right education or financial standing.
· Internal qualities. Inquiring “Why are you powerful?” means highlighting internal qualities like integrity, honor, and personal standards. You might feel like ethics are valuable, yet also believe that cutting corners here or there is a necessary part of scaling the professional ladder.
At this point, you may think the conversation is hopeless! But hold up. Let’s find the positive aspects of the building blocks above.
In crunch situations, we all want to bypass the sympathetic but confused clerk and go straight to the manager with authority to help us. And while we want that manager to be an upright person, we also want them to have the backbone to make hard choices. We feel at ease when we’re dealing with someone who is capable, confident, and competent.
Hmmm . . . when you reframe power in those terms, maybe the building blocks are worth keeping?
You may have listened to the negatives in the “Power Building Blocks and Biases” list and thought, Phew. I’m glad this doesn’t apply to me! I’m already powerful. If so, congratulations! But I hope you’ll think again before you decide you’ve got this topic covered.
The last piece of the puzzle of genuine power is power dynamics, which are in an endless state of flux. At work, you might be so efficient that the day always runs like clockwork. Nevertheless, your professional skills may be completely ineffective with your kid brother who picks a fight at every family dinner. And there are moments things don’t go our way, even for the wealthy and influential. Just ask a Corporate VP on a plane with a crying two-year-old who’s running the show!
Using power well isn’t built on having a charismatic personality or outsmarting others. It requires finding the moon for your sun—knowing how and when to make smart tradeoffs, so you’re not pushing and shoving your way through the world.
Have you ever watched someone abusing power and thought, That guy is on a power trip!? The traditional meaning of the term power trip is that we think we’re the only one with a voice and a vote. However, power trips are more than the traditional illustration; they come in all shapes and sizes.
For example, we can have a certain level of self-knowledge, yet find ourselves tripped up by the same, old triggers and behaviors, just like slipping on a slick piece of black ice we overlooked on the sidewalk. We’re positive communicators . . . until we’re frustrated or annoyed. We’re unsure about how to express power, so we postpone adulting. Or a critical manager leaves us tongue-tied, and we shut down because, in a split second, we flash back to a teacher who made us feel helpless. Despite our good intentions, longstanding patterns and fears suddenly become the boss of us and we’re back to square one.
Personal power is a cornerstone of Soul Boss know-how. Next week, we’ll put the Soul Boss principles to the test in a case study to show how to go from being tripped up to powered up.