After decades of marriage, Broadway star Mandy Patinkin and his wife Kathryn Grody know a little something about conflict. On their podcast Don’t Listen to Us, Grody complained how splashy celebrity weddings give people the impression that marriage is a series of Instagram moments. More often, the daily grind is filled with differences of opinion, hard conversations, and working to find the middle ground.
And here’s one more tip no one tells you: There’s usually more to the argument than the argument. Yes, something’s going wrong, however, outbursts can also be about fear, insecurities, or wanting to look good. Those insights also apply to work, so in the March series, Precision Problem Solving, we’ll look at four hidden aspects of problem solving. By the end of the month, you’ll know how to use soft skills to transform messiness into precision.
As I listened to Kathryn Grody’s story, I thought of people I’ve met in negotiation rooms who think bossing up means refusing to back down. In fairness, sometimes refusing to budge works. However, the downside can be equally harsh.
For instance, have you known someone who got left out in the cold when dynamics changed? Someone who lost their key client because pride was more important than flexibility? Or have you seen someone’s frustration about timing get the best of them and ruin a promising alliance?
So, step #1 in precision problem-solving is to swap inflexibility for emotional intelligence. There’s a lot of ground between understanding what’s happening in the environment vs. being bowed or broken by it.
Intellectual property attorney Kathy Vidal gained thick skin at the unlikeliest place: The US Patent and Trademark Office. In a LinkedIn post, she recalled working hard to “design surgical, balanced solutions.” Who could argue with that mindset—right? Wrong.
Kathi envisioned solutions that protected innovators and kept the USPTO working smoothly. In that universe, everyone would give a little.
But the real world was a different story. For some, “fairness” meant hogging the mic, then pushing the USPTO to bend. When that didn’t work, principles and integrity suddenly became fair game. So much for surgical and balanced!
Kathi remembered, “At some point in your career, you stand for something bigger than yourself. The attacks weren’t about me. They were about what I represented: balance, nuance, and solutions that didn’t fit someone’s personal narrative. When you realize that, the negativity loses its power.”
What I’ve discovered as a dealmaker is that conversations get heated and allegations fly for all kinds of reasons. Like the case study, it’s startling to realize that some people just aren’t interested in being reasonable. However, that realization is also a choice point. Learning how to level up and navigate heated emotions—whether the attacks are rational or not—is part of problem-solving.
So, tap into your best listening skills to understand the feelings behind the words. Listening isn’t the same as rewarding bad behavior. Instead, it’s the way to understand and architect for the environment.
Let’s walk through examples of emotional reactions that block problem-solving and how you can use a light touch to de-escalate:
* Try slowing down the conversation when people get angry or raise their voice. Their energy could be saying, “I can’t think this fast—I feel pushed,” or “I’m embarrassed I didn’t see the gaps you’ve identified.”
* Get creative when someone gets repetitive. The silent message might be, “My idea has to work—I’ve already promised this solution to someone else.”
* Engage healthy self-esteem when someone is condescending. Their behavior to save their self-image might be, “If I intimidate you, you’ll stop talking.”
* And if you’re still talking past each other, ask if you can record the meeting, then try this AI prompt: Analyze <Name’s> communication style based on tone, formality, and key phrases. Suggest professional, authentic ways I can respond.
Precision problem solving isn’t limited to reaching the final answer—it’s also the style and soul you display to get there. So, even if haters hate, don’t let them be the boss of you. Use your best EQ skills to make finding solutions easier.