We’ve been talking about my new book, Light it Up—7 Skills for Setting Intentions That Work. Your mind may be popping with the wonderful things you’ll accomplish this year, but there can also be a surprising downside to setting intentions. Don’t worry—I’ll teach you the skill to turn that downside around.
You can purchase Light it Up at Amazon or read it for free as part of their Kindle Unlimited program.
Don’t leave your heart’s desire sitting on a shelf. Skill up like a Soul Boss so you can declare, “My year was lit!”
Let’s face a difficult topic head-on: Encountering hard choices is part of realizing any intention.
You could be faced with changing a habit you’ve previously loved, like taking a smoking break with friends at work. Other times, you might have to overcome longstanding negative thoughts before you can achieve your goal, like, I’m not smart enough to finish this degree.
But there are also choices beyond your control, like having someone suddenly leave your life. It might seem like you’ve been hit with a wrecking ball as you look around and wonder, I wanted my life to improve, but where did everyone go? Was I better off when I didn’t use mindfulness or set intentions?
Self-doubt can kick in as you question whether you’re going in the right direction or if you should keep going at all, especially if friends and family aren’t cheering you on. Suddenly goals that seemed energizing and clear begin to get fuzzy.
You are making progress, even when it feels like you’re standing on shaky ground. You may not have chosen the timing, but changing circumstances show that the new you is emerging.
Here’s the good news: You get to write the headline about your story. Your perspective about the changes determines whether you’re living an incredible adventure, filled with spine-tingling
twists and turns, a slapstick comedy, or a magnificent comeback tale. So, get out your favorite pen and start crafting your headline.
In many ways, Dmitry was just like other gamers, with an ever-present hoodie and three screens going at once. But that’s where the comparisons ended. Dmitry had “it.” The X factor that set him apart from other competitive gamers was hard to describe, but Dmitry didn’t worry about his reputation. He let his legendary eSports ranking and prize money do the talking.
He thought adrenaline was getting the best of him during an exciting tournament. But when he broke into a cold sweat and complained of chest pain, the tournament organizers called the paramedics.
The news from the doctor seemed grim. Dmitry wasn’t just out of shape. He had a prediabetes diagnosis, as well as high blood pressure. The extra 40 pounds he picked up by playing eSports twelve hours a day or more had to go.
“Doc, I think you’re overly cautious. I hardly ever get sick—this was just a one-time thing! I pushed myself too hard getting ready for this tournament,” Dmitry protested.
“So, when is your schedule getting back to normal?” Dr. Flynn asked, crossing his arms.
“I’m going to the gym this week,” Dmitry assured him. “Well, uh, the next few days are pretty busy. Next week is better. Soon, I promise!”
“Riiiiight. And your diet? Do you order in or go out?”
“Kind of both. I usually meet up with my crew for late night burgers after a day of gaming. I’m too busy to cook. My idea of grocery shopping is a new box of cereal!”
Dr. Flynn wasn’t laughing. “Dmitry, are you getting how serious this is? You’re still a young guy. Find a way to take this weight off, or you could find yourself in big trouble. And book a
follow-up appointment.”
At his checkup six months later, Dmitry was 15 pounds lighter. “You’re turning into a model patient. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!” Dr. Flynn said, showing Dmitry his vital statistics.
“I’m cycling on a regular basis. After we talked, I saw a flyer in the laundry room announcing a new cycling group in the area. I had so much fun on a few Saturday morning rides that I signed up for Sunday,” Dmitry beamed. “My friends and followers had some choice comments when I was missing in action, but I just let them go in one ear and out the other. I ride all the time, now—but never through the drive-through window!”
Dmitry kind of fell into his intention of improving his health, one step (actually, one pedal) at a time. He tried the cycling group. Then he changed his schedule, making time to exercise. Riding became a kind of meditation, providing a healthy outlet to clear his busy mind.
At the same time, other things unexpectedly fell away. Friendships changed as he ended late-night fast food runs with the boys. He withdrew from people who gave him a hard time about taking a break from gaming to ride, and from his social media community that pestered him about slacking off when his screen status was “offline.”
Those kinds of social challenges might breed self-doubt—and that is a key reason why some people have mixed results and short-circuit their intentions. They take a step forward, see that they’re going it alone, and take two steps back, reverting to business as usual.
Dmitry can’t manage other people’s choices. What he can control is his perspective about what helps or hurts him.
Appeasing his buddies by continuing their midnight burger runs? That hurts him, as he packs on the pounds.
Squabbling with sarcastic members of his social media community? That hurts him by taking away his peace of mind.
And minimizing his progress when someone kids him about the hours he spends cycling? That hurts him by undermining his successful wellness experiment. Instead, he can employ the skill of healthy self-confidence by responding to anyone who asks with a quick, “Yeah, I’m riding all the time now, and loving it.”
Now that Dmitry has fallen in love with cycling, he can formalize his intention. Dmitry’s What-Why-How framework to stick with his new regime might be:
What: Get back into shape.
Why: I want to be fit and feel healthy enough to do all the things I love, like traveling to eSports tournaments. Cycling exercises my body and clears my mind.
How: I will join my cycling team on the weekend and ride on my own during the week. Biking is more than a work-out. It’s my everyday routine.
We often focus only on the “more” that our intentions might bring. The underbelly is that making changes can sometimes be lonely, even when those changes are positive. It pinches when a close friend or family member gives you the side eye with a quick, “You’ve changed.” Others might be jealous about your progress. Or the abrupt end of a partnership can be shocking.
You may be inclined to chase whatever is unexpectedly falling away. Extending situations that aren’t working is like setting up residence in the Fire Swamp from The Princess Bride5. You can either spend time managing known dangers or brave an exciting, unpredictable new world. If you’re feeling unsure about what to do, ask yourself, “Am I only trying to hold on because I’ve learned to manage this <person, problem, situation>?”
Dmitry had to land in the hospital to realize habits like endless junk food binges with his buddies wrote the headline of, “Celebrity Gamer Fights Serious Health Challenges.” Once he embraced a different perspective and accepted the changes happening around him, he rewrote that headline as, “Heart Patient Moves on to Brilliant Fitness!”
Writing the headline for your story isn’t easy. But it is a chance to use the Soul Boss® principle of staying authentic. Any transition can be unsettling, even the ones that make you excited. So, keep reasonable expectations as you stay true to yourself and gently ease into the future.
Go beyond releasing whatever is breaking you down or keeping you small—have the willingness to bid it a fond farewell. You will eventually replace it with people, places and things that build you up.
1. Use the skill of writing the headline for your story when you are tempted to revert to business as usual or people please.
2. Self-doubt short-circuits an intention. Courage lights it up.
3. The Make it fast, Make it deep, Make it real challenge:
4. Intentions work when you face transitions with courage and don’t work when you revert to business as usual.
Check out Light it Up—7 Skills for Setting Intentions That Work today at Amazon.