Marissa Maciel was almost at her breaking point when she called her father. She was so stressed trying to juggle responsibilities during the pandemic that she broke down in tears, wondering how long she could keep going. Forget work/life balance—she was just looking for a moment of peace.
In the October series, Shake Off Shame, we’re talking about common types of shame and how to use soft skills to transform them. Like Marissa, have you felt this year like you’re falling short, no matter how hard you try? Do you have thoughts like Why can’t I manage my home like Mom did? or My life was under control last year—what happened? You’re not alone. The Huffington Post article, “Women are Not OK,” detailed similar concerns from a cross-section of women. But Marissa decided it was time to refresh the old expectations and reclaim her life.
Looking from the outside in, it seems that Marissa Maciel has a lot of advantages. Much of her job as a higher education administrator can be done from home. She has a partner. And her children are in elementary and middle school. That’s why she was shocked when the pressures of the pandemic began to get to her. Every minute seemed to belong to someone else. Even the laundry was endless! She explained, “If I’m not helping with school or working on work, I’m doing chores.”
Rachel Thomas, co-founder and president at Lean In, concurred. She said, “Women are being pushed to the brink. And it’s not just because of increased responsibilities at home, but because of a longstanding bias. Women are typically judged more harshly at work, perceived as less committed, and held to higher standards.”
As the quarantine wore on, Maciel realized 24/7 engagement was unsustainable. So, she went out on a limb and posted a permanent out of office notification to reset expectations: “Due to the COVID-19 response in America, I am working 100% remotely while also providing 100% support to my family, including remote education. I will respond to emails as soon as possible.”
Actor Billy Porter once quipped, “It’s easy to be who you are when who you are is in style!” That idea goes double when you’re trying to retool old expectations and pioneer a new style. You can shake off the shame thought of Why can’t I measure up? by exercising the soft skill of discernment.
Save your sanity by setting realistic standards, not pie-in-the-sky ideals. Then make smart choices on two levels: What matters to you, and in what priority. Think of your day like a Ferris wheel. Everything has importance, but only one task, person, or situation can be at the top of the wheel at any given time.
Practice making new decisions by finishing the sentence, “What matters now is _____.” You might even want to connect with your gut throughout the day and use this sentence to ease overwhelm. For instance:
* What matters now is working as efficiently as possible. My impact matters more than face time.
* What matters now is relaxed family time. We need down time hanging out, where we’re not rushing somewhere or working on homework.
* What matters now is investing in my wellness. I can’t do everything I want to do or need to do if I’m sleep-deprived, haven’t eaten, or am feeling run down.
Before you compare your world to someone’s Instagram life or get nostalgic about days gone by, remember that we continue living in uncertain, unpredictable times. So, release the pressure—either self-imposed or from others—to return to the status quo. Shake off the shame of outdated expectations and stick to your style.