February is the month for love, but is your peopling gas tank already running on fumes? I see you!
Romantic relationships, where you can pick and choose alliances, are the exception. It’s the rest of your world—from the office to family and friends to your community—that’s the luck of the draw. I’ll lead with the bad news: Try as you might, you’ll never be able to change your critical sister-in-law or someone at the office who likes to cut corners.
But there’s good news, too: With the right soft skills, you can conquer the relationship obstacle course. Using those competencies means you won’t get caught between oversimplified “be nice” advice or snippy TikTok 1-liners.
All the people skills you use at work—such as making well thought-out decisions, taking a creative approach, or using emotional intelligence to stand in someone else’s shoes—also work to your advantage after hours. You might be thinking, At Sunday dinner every week?
Yes, and here’s why:
* Soft skills give you go-to ways to respond in real time;
* They provide alternatives to telling someone off. Threats or ultimatums can cause irreparable damage, the last thing you want with people you see week in and week out; and
* Skilling competencies increase your poise and confidence because you’re ready to handle challenging people.
Suddenly, it’s clear why you want to be skilled up when ornery relatives try to pick a fight!
So, in the February series, Relationship Threshold Questions, we’ll think through four essential questions. By the end of the month, you’ll know how to use soft skills to reshape and improve relationship dynamics.
Your first move is understanding what you value. Everyone agrees that standards are important, but could you rattle off your top three relationship must-haves?
One model to consider is “The Oklahoma Standard.” After the bombing tragedy in 1995, Oklahomans rallied and rebuilt their community around three principles: Service, honor, and kindness.
The Oklahoma Standard sprang to mind as I watched a “Tonight’s Conversation” clip.
A woman was at the mic, asking the panel for help deciding whether to stay or go. After listening to the details, one host posed a set of no-holds-barred questions about her boyfriend:
“Did you sign up to be a secret or wait on the sidelines?”
“Did you want unfinished business with an ex?”
“Do you want to negotiate potential?”
Those blunt questions came as a shock, but they also made her non-negotiables crystal clear. Without the presence of qualities like service, honor, and kindness, she was finally ready to close the door.
Let’s be honest: People don’t come with an operating manual. That’s why everyone finds themselves in cloudy situations like the case study. When that happens, ask yourself the threshold question of, “Does this connection align with my standards?”
One way to bring clarity is to create a simple Standards Checklist using the same problem-solving and planning skills you apply at the office.
Start small by identifying three different categories, then noodle on a short list of 3-5 keywords for each category. And pro tip: Don’t overthink it. Your top of mind responses are accurate.
For example, your Standards Checklist for ideal relationships might wind up looking like this:
* Something substantive: Respectful, communicative, supportive
* Something fun: Spontaneous, curious, energetic
* Something honorable: Authentic, honest, trustworthy
If this exercise seems like a heavy lift, cut it down to size with AI. This prompt will give you lots of ideas to pick and choose from. Knowing your essentials is how to spot green flag relationships:
“Provide a list of 20 core values which are important in <work relationships>.
Tell me how I can apply core values such as <integrity and honesty>
to find my community.”
Many people think standards live on a shelf. However, if you want the edge, integrate them daily. Values are an emotional guardrail, informing whether you should get to know someone better or rethink that dynamic and let trouble cross the street. So, make a quick checklist and align connections with your standards.