A friend jokes that what was a love/hate relationship with feedback has turned to hate/hate. He hates getting it, and he really hates having to admit the person giving it is probably right.
He laughed, “I ran some comments about my communication style by my brother, thinking, Hey, he’s my brother. Of course, he’ll take my side! But he said, ‘Dude, you know you do that!’ I couldn’t believe it! But the more I thought about our conversation, the more I realized he was right. I do talk over people. I guess I have a little work to do!”
Can you relate to his problem? Everyone feels slightly disagreeable or even defensive when feedback is delivered with a mic drop instead of a whisper. And defensiveness can really blow up during intense collaborations.
In the September series, Collaboration: The Boys in the Boat Way, we’re talking about three non-negotiable people skills—cooperation, flexibility, and accountability—required to become a champion collaborator. Let’s look at a similar story about feedback, and how the people skill of flexibility got the crew back on track.
When he was selected for the junior varsity rowing team, Joe Rantz seemed to have all the elements. He was fit, could think on his feet, and was incredibly dedicated.
Those qualities covered up a complex backstory, where Joe had essentially been abandoned as a young teenager. His father began a new family and decided Joe could look after himself in a remote cabin. Staying alive required being smart, resourceful, and tough. Joe persevered, and he had survival skills down cold by the time he arrived at the University of Washington.
However, the survival skills that helped him earn a seat in the boat started to backfire. You can imagine Joe’s surprise when Coach Ulbrickson confronted him one day about freestyling. Yes, Joe was a fierce competitor, but he missed the assignment. Great collaborations happen when teams act as one, not one at a time.
The case study shows a problem everyone runs into while partnering: The challenge to take feedback and stay flexible. The talent and mental toughness that got Joe Rantz on the team was only one part of the puzzle. Evolving required listening to advice and changing his mind.
I don’t know about you, but it’s easy to tell someone else to stay loose and change their mind. However, what was your reaction the last time you heard that suggestion, especially when you were under the gun? When you looked at your mile-long deliverables list, staying loose probably never crossed your mind!
But here’s why you want to rethink digging in: Ignoring input and grinding away doesn’t uplift your reputation. Remember people you’ve known on cross-group teams who had the block where they couldn’t practice flexibility? They probably weren’t perceived as thoughtful or dedicated. Instead, they probably were known for being stubborn or even arrogant.
As an alternative, reframe feedback from collaborators as a normal part of the process. Expanding your thinking isn’t a fail, where you undercut your cred. Instead, listening shows how you’re poised, grown, and insightful.
Here are people skills you can use to collaborate and stay loose:
Sometimes, your way, the proven way, or conventional thinking only goes so far. So, the next time you get questionable feedback, skip doubling down. Strengthen your collaboration muscle by changing your mind and approach.