Find Your Filter

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I don’t know how you’re feeling these days, but life feels pretty tense to me! Wherever I go, it seems like people are on the verge of a meltdown.

You might think I’ll tell you to simply step up and be positive. But slapping a coat of fake positivity on the problem is just a mask. So, in the March series, Manage the Meltdown, we’ll talk about five ways you can act like the creative, wise CEO of your life—a Soul Boss—when you’re feeling upset, let down, or frustrated.

Temper Data Thinking with Soft Skills

Lily Yuan can tell you all about frustration. As an introverted woman with a high “Thinking” trait, her natural inclination is to jump straight to the facts. Her precise intellect is one of her greatest strengths. However, it’s also gotten in her way when she forgot to temper her heavy-on-data thinking with soft skills. Lily describes it as “hitting a wall” with troubles like:

• Unintentionally burning bridges and hurting feelings due to unfiltered directness of speech;
• Quickly pointing out the flaws in a situation instead of giving timely, constructive criticism; and
• Viewing relationships in terms of a balanced points system instead of gradual growth. For example, needing to “get even” instead of forgiving and understanding.

When I read her essay, I thought, You’re not alone, Lily! Have you had an important relationship hit a wall when a family member wouldn’t listen to your concerns about their choices? Or, have you hit a wall at work because you were so frustrated that you hit “Send” on a real talk, take-no-prisoners email that took on a life of its own? As you can see, the possible scenarios are endless!

Transform Frustration with a Filter

So, the next time frustrations have you edging toward a meltdown, use the soft skill of adaptability to find your filter. You might be shuffling at that idea, thinking, What? Water down my insights? I’ve got my facts straight, and I’m in the right—no way!

But let me show you the concept from another angle. Think of finding your filter like posting a photo on social media. Of course, you want to appear in the most flattering light! Likewise, you want your reply to a loaded conversation to have just the right amount of impact—and that applies whether you are talking, texting, or emailing.

Finding your filter is similar to technique #5, “Make ‘Be Appropriate’ Your Motto,” from my book, Genuine Power: 7 Techniques to Be Powerful in a Loud, Complicated World. The concept of “being appropriate” is based on the Soul Boss principle of calibrating your behavior. You replace people-pleasing with turning the volume up or down on your delivery, so your actions fit every circumstance.

Take the Find Your Filter Challenge

Here are three ways to discover the sweet spot for your filter:

• Make it fast by taking 30 seconds to affirm, “I adjust my delivery without losing the message. I can talk to anyone.”
• Make it deep by taking 30 minutes to think of a situation where you’d like a do-over. What kind of filter could you have used to limit the frustration present (for you or the other person) rather than stoking the fire?
• Make it real by putting your “just the facts” message through a flattering filter.

Whenever a situation heats up, keep your essence and your insights. But calibrate your approach with the perfect filter.