Cap Your Complaints

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It was only 8 AM, but there was a serious debate in the office kitchen about rowdy teenagers. “I keep lecturing my daughter about how worried I am when she’s late. Twenty minutes later, I don’t think she heard one word I said!” one guy complained. The woman nodded in agreement, but said, “I just cut to the chase. I say, ‘We told you 11:00. You missed it. You’re grounded for a week. I’m going to cycling class’!”

Well, you can say one thing for her: Her method is short and sweet! But are you more like the Dad, where you have a hard time knowing when to quit when you’re irritated? Me, too! That’s why the skill of finding the right words without going overboard is an important lesson for the March series, Manage the Meltdown.

Increase the Impact by Limiting Your Words

Believe it or not, more words don’t make a better argument. In fact, negotiating contracts has taught me that teenagers aren’t the only ones who shut down when they’re on the receiving end of a lecture! So, let me give you a tip from Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After. She advises couples to increase the impact of their message by limiting complaints to three sentences.

The three-sentence rule breaks down into these steps: (1) Raise the issue; (2) acknowledge how the problem is affecting the people involved; and (3) ask for what you would like instead (a key principle of non-violent communication). Bowman’s example for negotiating household chores is, “Honey, this house is a mess, and I am exhausted. Could you help me clean this place up? I could really use your help.” I don’t know about you, but I would be much more receptive to that request than a non-stop monologue!

The Three Sentence Rule in the Real World

The three-sentence technique isn’t limited to family matters. You can also apply it to the workplace or community projects like church or the PTA. Let’s see how it works in the real world:

• For the work project that consistently goes sideways, say: This work project is always bumpy. The process isn’t working for anyone. Can we pinpoint the breakdown?
• For the person cutting corners, say: I’d like to help, but the final decision isn’t up to me. We can go ahead once the project owner says yes. Will you connect with them?
• For the fundraising carnival at your kid’s school that ate up your time and emotions, say: The charity event was so labor intense! The workload seemed out of balance, with some people really going the extra mile. What would you change for next year?

Take the Cap Your Complaints Challenge

If you’re ready to tell someone off, reconsider the long speech you’ve been rehearsing. In its place, use the soft skill of creativity to design a heartfelt, diplomatic three-sentence complaint. Here’s how you can practice:

• Make it fast by taking 30 seconds to affirm, “I speak up in a calm, clear way, easily managing problems before they spin out of control.”
• Make it deep by taking 30 minutes to remember a time when you didn’t quit. Did you pay a price with that relationship?
• Make it real by designing a 3-sentence complaint for a problem you’re facing.

Don’t let irritations pile up and make you feel so aggravated that you’re ready to meltdown. Find the right touch in three elements: the cause, the effect, and what you would like instead.