John Lennon famously sang, “All you need is love,” but when I scroll Instagram, it seems like you need a little more than that. It’s easy to look at an Architectural Digest-worthy house, darling kids, and adoring looks and think, Where are the dirty dishes, squabbling, and leftovers? Why isn’t my house like that?! There’s no doubt: Valentine’s Day can be tricky. Your self-image may even wobble a bit.
But don’t let a stream of perfect pictures determine the relationship you have with your self-worth. Chances are, you’re doing just fine. Let me tell you how an Olympian decided that he was the boss of his identity, with or without perfect results.
If you’ve been glued to the Olympics, you’ve been watching the Nathan Chen show. By now, you’ve probably heard all the high points: He’s won 15 out of 16 of the last events where he competed, giving him the longest current winning streak in men’s figure skating. He holds some of the highest scores ever given, breaking six world records. And he was the first skater to land five quad jumps in a program.
But then there were the 2018 Olympics. Chen fared well in the team event, capturing the bronze medal. But nerves kicked in when he competed in the individual men’s event, and Chen placed seventeenth. Things went from bad to worse when he caught the flu, missing his second chance to perform his routine in the Exhibition Gala. People weren’t shy about wondering aloud if their high expectations had been misplaced.
However, Nathan Chen’s subsequent accomplishments have laid any doubts people may have had to rest. When a reporter recently tried to provoke him about his Olympic record, Chen kept his cool with a single sentence: “You don’t need to ask me about Pyeongchang anymore.”
In the February series, Three Ways to Practice Positive Attention, we’re talking about how to use soft skills to shift negative relationship patterns. Have you ever been like Nathan Chen, wondering if you would spend the rest of your life trying to avoid The Mistake That Will Not Be Named? And did you think the only way to correct that mistake was to play it over and over in your mind? Take a lesson from an Olympian: Examine what happened but know when to quit.
There’s a point where wrestling with the mental movie where you said the wrong thing, made a decision you regret, or, like Nathan Chen, failed to live up to expectations isn’t productive. In fact, endlessly replaying what happened will probably damage your chance of rebounding and feeling healthy and confident. The best way to address your missteps is to use the soft skills of smart choices, empathy, and healthy self-esteem.
Here’s what I mean: You get to weight whether a judgment slip is the Worst Thing Ever or a chance to learn accountability and improve. You can intentionally show yourself compassion, the same way you would show it to others. And you can decide to see that error like an old photograph—a single moment in time in the camera roll of your life—and keep scrolling. When you make those choices, you’re creating a key outcome of using soft skills: Gaining emotional mastery.
Here are three ways to practice:
It’s the week of love, so love yourself up! Give your self-image positive attention.