Have you caught “The OG Chronicles” on YouTube featuring Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King? Most of the time, their advice is pretty funny, but one question stopped Oprah cold. Someone asked about hanging on to a long relationship that may have passed its expiration date. Oprah had a good analogy: Relationships are like mountain climbing. Some people may lose oxygen while you continue to climb.
I remembered Oprah’s advice as I talked with my friend Carole. Carole is adamant about taking inventory in her garage every August. As Summer winds down, she drags packing boxes or garden tools that have piled up in one corner or another out onto the driveway. Then nothing goes back in unless it has a place. In just a few hours, her garbage and recycle bins are full, her garage is spotless, and she feels like a brand-new woman.
This year, Carole decided to apply the same clean slate tactic to her relationships. During her birthday week, she hung out on her deck with her favorite cocktail, reflecting on a simple question: “What would I like from my relationships to be like a year from now?”
When she thought of the word “inspiring,” a new co-worker popped into her mind. The quality of “fun” had to apply to her best friend, who always has an adventure in the works. However, Carole got stuck thinking about her boyfriend, Scott.
On the one hand, their relationship had so much potential. But on the other hand, he seemed checked out. They would get together on the weekend, but usually at the last minute. Scott was slow to text back. And that dream trip to Hawaii still hadn’t come together. In short, their relationship was losing oxygen.
The first words out of her mouth when we got together were, “I just let Scott go.”
I couldn’t believe how relaxed and calm she was. “And you’re ok with that break-up?” I asked.
“Oh yeah—I didn’t want to spend the next year living in Fix-it-Ville,” she replied. “He was shocked, but I told him, ‘Hey, you always said you like to keep your options open. Now you can!’”
In August, we’re talking about how you can take care of your physical, mental, emotional and whole self in the series, Transformative Self-Care. Are you like Carole, where you’ve been wearing yourself out carrying a relationship that’s losing oxygen? Do you feel like a Sherpa on Mt. Everest, huffing and puffing your way to the top with someone thrown over your shoulder?
Dreaming and wishing the situation will improve isn’t demonstrating self-care. However, you can use the soft skill of healthy self-esteem to take action. Take a courageous emotional inventory to determine if a relationship has started to lose oxygen.
Here’s how you can take the emotional self-care challenge:
Pack your bags and move out of Fix-it-Ville for good. Find the peace in release.