I came across an article, “Ten Things Married People Desperately Want Unmarried People to Know,” and one of the funniest takeaways was also the most poignant. One person wisely said, “It’s not you vs. your spouse.”
In the February series, How to Use Soft Skills to Strike a Balance in Relationships, we’re discussing how soft skills can help keep relationships current and healthy. The “current” part can be tricky, whether you’re at work or home. Over time, little resentments build up, and it’s incredibly easy to feel like it is you against the person you’re talking to, or even you against the world! Bickering and clapbacks become the mode of communication where you’re stuck in a loop, having different versions of the same fight.
However, soft skills provide a way forward. They’re a technique to drive clarity when relationships are complex or ambiguous. Let me tell you how a friend turned to soft skills to keep her work partnerships constructive and productive.
I was excited to the band back together over lunch. My friend Farah and I had a nice reunion with our former manager, Dave. As soon as we sat down, Farah dropped the mic about her big promotion.
“Remember the headline about the strategic partnership that just closed? Well, that’s me! I’m finally on point for one of the biggest deals of the year,” she told us.
“Well deserved!” Dave smiled, but then his face clouded over. “Just watch your step with the Team Lead.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I worked with him on a cross-group project two years ago. He’s a grinder. He’ll go at it and at it until he gets his way,” Dave sighed.
I immediately tensed up, knowing how I’d feel in the face of endless confrontations. But luckily, Farah had it covered.
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah—he’s already worn a path to my office. The last time “it’s just five minutes” turned into an hour, I told him we should reboot how we’re working. Now that we aren’t negotiating around the clock, “always on” mode has changed to “office hours”!”
Have you ever been in situations like the case study, where you felt you had no option but to lash out? You may want to reconsider.
It’s easy to think, If I demand the floor and state my opinion, I’ll get my way. Mission accomplished! But here’s the tension: Falling into a rut of being inflexible isn’t a relationship—it’s a dictatorship.
Even worse, people who think their behavior goes unnoticed are mistaken. Psychology Today noted, “When it comes to professionalism, employers look for someone who understands how their own actions affect the work as a whole.”
In the place of endless right fighting, you can use soft skills like taking a creative approach and standing up for yourself in healthy ways. Making intentional choices—like designing solutions that are fair to everyone such as predictable office hours—is the opposite of being weak or soft, a common misconception about soft skills.
Here are three ways to strike a balance between clapping back and collaborating:
The next time you’re ready to tell someone off, remember that it’s not you vs. your needy client. Or you vs. the President of your Homeowner’s Association. Or you vs. your spouse.
Should you assert yourself? Absolutely. But there’s a lot of ground between being assertive and aggressive or domineering. Strike a balance between clapping back and collaborating.