I was flipping through a slideshow about marriage advice which was filled with golden nuggets like, “You can’t stop trying,” “Never forget about respect,” and “Don’t lose yourself.” I stopped when I saw, “Marriage is a long conversation.”
Imagine going beyond a discrete moment with your partner, children or co-workers and seeing interactions as part of one long conversation where there are so many wonderful things to say. That sounds like a safe place to express emotions—a retreat—and that’s what we’re talking about in the August series, Create an Oasis.
The Dilly family has had plenty of long conversations. The first one started when Becki and Keith had trouble conceiving. After five years of struggle, Becki began fertility treatments. But you can imagine their discussion when the sonogram revealed five babies. That exchange continued when Becki delivered a surprise sixth baby.
The Dillys moved into beautiful new construction gifted to them and the babies began to thrive after a touch and go start. But they had another long conversation when money got tight after Keith volunteered to stay home with the kids. Eventually they realized that their best option was to let go of the big house and find something more affordable. They downsized into half the square footage.
By this time, the sextuplets were elementary school age. Becki and Keith were already on a strict budget—what would they do when their six kids asked for allowance, like their friends? They chose to get creative and design a system of “Dilly dollars,” where the kids could earn treats for going above and beyond the call. Rewards included extra game minutes or much-coveted alone time running an errand with Mom or Dad.
And what about the daily grind, like feeding the dog and cleaning the bathroom? Becki and Keith could have leaned on the fact that finances were tight. However, they ultimately settled on a big idea: They would band together as a team and rotate the jobs. The Dillys agreed that everyday chores were just part of what families do for each other.
These days, there’s a big premium on speed. But rushing often takes us in the wrong direction. We fail to listen because we’re anxious to wrap things up. In seconds, snappy comebacks can intensify into sharp insults and statements that are hard to take back. And quick decisions look much different once you’ve weighed the cumulative effect.
The antidote to those problems is the soft skill of staying flexible. Think back to a discussion where you felt like you really made headway. It was probably filled with deep listening, erring on the side of respect, and using humor, all tools the Dillys used. That moment could have felt like a drink of cool water in the middle of the desert.
If you’re tempted to dig in this week, remember that oasis moment and change your approach. Are you aching for a heart-to-heart connection? Settle in for a long conversation.