Actor/director Alan Alda once had a brilliant financial advisor. There was only one problem: He couldn’t understand a word of his advice. In short order, he bid him a fond farewell.
In his entertaining book about communication, If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?: My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating, Alda makes a stunning proposal—Understanding isn’t the sole job of the listener. Responsibility rests on the person communicating to ensure their audience comprehends the message.
Think back to a recent hard conversation. Trying harder probably never crossed your mind. It’s more common to become irritated with the other person, thinking that guy just doesn’t get it. But here’s the surprise: The more you double down, the faster a blind spot forms, the subject of the May series, Crystal Clear.
Jenny’s passion for food spurred her to pursue a nutritional sciences degree. After a series of successful work projects in the field, she was excited about submitting her thesis proposal for sponsorship.
She told me, “Friends said Dr. Raitt was an old school guy, but I thought how bad can it be? Was I wrong! I thought he’d see my thesis about ways to introduce healthier school lunches as progressive. But his face dropped when I mentioned the mind-body connection.”
“Dr. Raitt said flatly, ‘That’s a bunch of mumbo jumbo. You’re here to demonstrate science.’ I couldn’t believe he brushed me off so quickly, so I reiterated my points. Still nothing,” Jenny said, frowning. “I took a third run. But he didn’t take any notes. Then he shut his portfolio and asked me to reschedule when I had another topic in mind. I’m going around him, straight to the department chair. I’m not giving up,” she insisted.
Have you already skipped to the end and figured out who is right or wrong? Making snap, binary judgments is how blind spots take shape. So, let’s hit pause on right or wrong, and replay the conversation to concentrate on understanding.
Jenny thought her ideas about nutrition and wellness were a slam dunk. Yet she was so stunned by Dr. Raitt’s resistance that her optimism quickly turned into anger and tunnel vision, insisting that he must agree with her.
On the other side of the table, Dr. Raitt let skepticism get the better of him. Things might have ended differently if he provided Jenny with more context about his concerns, asking her to return once she researched the data he considered essential. Instead, he shut down and asked her to move on.
In the end, no one comprehended or internalized a word being said. And that’s how a promising idea instantly got lost in the mix.
Let’s face it—feeling challenged or put down is no fun. However, you can avoid a war of wills by remembering to listen more deeply when you disagree. Knee-jerk reactions and snarky comebacks are never the path to finding common ground. Maintain your composure and get crystal clear on the only question that matters—How can I communicate so I am understood?