There’s an interesting line in A Course in Miracles: “I am never upset for the reason I think.” The basic idea is that anger is the tip of a deep, longstanding iceberg.
Case in point: Your manager interrupts you and you feel ticked off. But the real reason you’re bothered is that the disagreement instantly takes you back to a teacher who also used to interrupt you. Before you know it, living your best life went out the window and you become the person you never wanted to be. Suddenly, you’re in the middle of a meltdown.
Let’s rewind that scene. Rather than diving into all the details about what did or didn’t happen between you and your manager, let’s go back to basics.
In your mind’s eye, see a little kid who doesn’t quite have the words to articulate what they’re feeling, so they can’t name the upset. Yes, they’re mad, but underneath that meltdown they may have feelings like:
* There’s too much going on around me.
* I’m tired or hungry
* I’m mad I’m not getting my way
* I don’t like this surprise
* I need your attention
Guess what—those reasons work for grown-ups too! And the more you understand what’s really bothering you, the faster you can address the problem. So, let’s finesse the toddler ideas for adults.
You could be extra irritated when your manager interrupts you because you have feelings such as:
* Miscommunication happened—this isn’t what we talked about
* I let you talk past me, and I’m upset with myself for doing that. I didn’t understand your expectation
* You think I’m a failure. You’re judging me and I’m scared I won’t get a second chance
* Everyone else seems to know what they’re doing
* I don’t know what to do next
As much as we hate them, frustrations and irritations are simply a part of life. So, use the soft skill of healthy self-esteem to name the upset and unwind that frustration. A healthy self-image helps you admit, “Yes, I’m mad right now, but everyone gets mad. I’m doing my best to learn how to handle my emotions when I’m upset.”
Here are three ways for you to practice naming the upset:
I saw a funny pin on Pinterest: “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!” That statement is funny because it’s true! The next time you feel your blood pressure rising or your heart racing, use one of the five ways you’ve learned in this month’s series, Manage the Meltdown, so you can sidestep a potential disaster. Here’s the overview of what we’ve learned:
* Find Your Filter: Keep your message, but be flexible and calibrate the delivery
* Cap Your Complaints: Be creative and keep your complaints to 3 creative sentences.
* Remember—You’re in Charge: When you feel upset or overwhelmed, turn to a soft skill
* Skip The Big Talk: Make smart choices about developing problems and break that Big Talk into bite-size pieces!
* Name Your Upset: Know what’s behind your frustration, then let it go. That’s how you keep a positive self-image.
When you’re irritated, it’s easy to make things worse by letting your internal critic take the floor with thoughts like, How did I get into this? How could I let this happen? Instead of allowing negative chatter to take over, act like the creative, wise CEO of your life—a Soul Boss—and use one of the five ways to find your way back to calm.