There’s an old saying about good marriages: Never go to bed angry. That advice may have its moments, but as a professional negotiator, I can tell you that there are plenty of times to walk away mad.
Sometimes you can’t find the words to express yourself. Sometimes you may be so shocked at what’s been said that you have no idea how to respond. And other times, it’s as if the two of you are speaking different languages. Finding yourself in those startling situations happens to everyone.
So, here’s the secret: Get mad and walk away when you must, but don’t stay that way. Your partnership is on shaky ground when retreating to separate corners becomes the norm.
Let me tell you how a popular singer decided to reset her norm for communication.
Pink and Carey Hart are passionate people, and that’s a good thing. However, sometimes their passions bubbled up to the boiling point and overflowed when they least expected it. They took a break while dating, patched things up, but then drew up divorce papers two years after they married.
Fourteen years and two kids later, the two are still together, still working through their disagreements and seeking common ground, and still passionate. This is what Pink had to say on Instagram about what she’s learned during their sometimes turbulent journey:
He and I have been at this a long time, and it is our relentless and stubborn idealism that keeps us together.
Marriage is awful, wonderful, comfort and rage.
It is boring, terrifying, and a total nail biter.
It is loving another fallible creature while trying to love yourself.
It is a lifetime of coming back to the table.
People laugh at us because we’re either fighting or laughing. They roll their eyes when we talk about therapy.
But I’ll tell you what. It’s worth it.
All of it.
Even when it isn’t. Therapy isn’t for weak people or hippies or liberals. It’s for broken people that want to be whole. It’s for runaways that want a family. It’s a lesson on how to sit down and listen. How to love yourself so that the other person can, too.
I love you, babe. I’m grateful we made it to this photo.
In the February series, Reset Relationship Norms, we’re talking about how you can repair troubled relationships by redefining your norms. Great communication is about more than making your case. Smoothing over disagreements requires sensitivity and plenty of soft skills.
As Pink and Cary Hart learned, you must have the willingness to be adaptable and creative—to try, try again when a solution doesn’t work. You have to push yourself to be compassionate and stand in someone else’s shoes. And you must use healthy self-esteem as a bedrock because finding solutions that work for everyone shouldn’t require bargaining away your self-respect.
Here are three ways for you to reset your relationship norm for communication:
There will be plenty of times when the smartest idea is to take a breath and take a break. But when you find yourself stuck in a loop of stalemates and the silent treatment, remind yourself that that’s not normal. Build on your natural sensitivity and make adaptability, creativity, and healthy self-esteem your norms for communication.