Some people may consider February the month of love, but can we talk? Most relationships have some tense times. When sporadic tensions and pushing back become a habit, it’s time to stop, zoom out, and re-examine what has become the norm.
You might hear the word “norms” and roll your eyes. But norms are vital because they’re the baseline for etiquette, expectations, and even personal principles. Are you still skeptical? Then categorize norms as qualities—like accountability, respect, and integrity. When you think of them that way, knowing and practicing norms is suddenly priceless. So, in the February series, Reset Relationship Norms, we’ll talk about how you can repair troubled relationships by redefining your norms.
Let me tell you how a friend learned a hard lesson about the norm she had been nurturing.
My friend Sandi is an incredible negotiator, closing deals left and right. So, I was surprised when she told me one of her favorite clients was in trouble—their partnerships were either drying up or the parties were always at odds.
As we backtracked, she mentioned in passing how her client often gave her twenty hard Go-Do points. Being the can-do person that she is, Sandi kept grinding until she got all twenty done, and that was the problem! She thought she was doing the right thing—her client couldn’t make money until they closed the deal. But letting her killer instinct take over meant she also killed budding relationships.
Much to Sandi’s surprise, it wasn’t easy for everyone to let bygones be bygones, even when profits were at stake. Her client’s business stalled as partners spent time settling old scores or walking away once they had the chance. Instead of nurturing lasting partnerships, she accidentally nurtured situations where the other side built a chip on their shoulder.
You might listen to Sandi’s story and think, I’m not a dealmaker—what does this have to do with me? It turns out, a lot, because we’re all negotiating all the time. What are you nurturing with your manager, neighbor, or your nearest and dearest? Snappy one-off clapbacks might make sense at the time, but they can have a hidden toll: You may not realize how little hurts are piling up.
Before you go to the mat, turn to the soft skill of discernment, and ask yourself if that win is a must-have for the long haul. Is an issue a core value for you? Then go for it! But if you’re only winning to win, you may be causing a slow leak, draining the relationship of norms like collaboration and respect.
Healthy relationships take time. They’re nurtured by listening—even when you have to bite your tongue while the other person finishes their point, honest communication that may include a little friendly back and forth, and finding common ground. But nurturing a dynamic where one person wins all the time, especially at the expense of the other person? That’s not normal.
Here are three ways for you to reset the relationship norm from winning every argument at any cost to playing the long game:
* Make it fast by taking 30 seconds to affirm, “I nurture my relationships by being a positive, thoughtful, collaborative partner.”
* Make it deep by taking 30 minutes to journal about your last tit-for-tat. Where did the conversation get ugly and what would you change if you could do it over again?
* Make it real by making a different decision the next time around. Take a break and regroup, admit your frustrations, or decide that you’ll listen to learn.
Making shrewd, insightful choices isn’t playing small—it’s playing smart. If it feels unnatural, just remind yourself that even Alexander Hamilton had to decide when take his shot!