A friend had a project go south a few months ago, and she’s still feeling the sting. A good-natured rehash turned into a full-blown post-mortem filled with regrets like, “I should have done better,” “I should have seen it coming,” and “Why didn’t I course correct sooner?”
She finished our conversation by saying, “I can’t wait to forget the whole thing!”
To be fair, we’ve all had people, places, and things we can’t wait to forget. But the trouble with old school this-or-that thinking—where you highlight your successes and forget your misses—is that you might go too far. Instead, the trick is to flip the bit on emotions that keep you in a rut, including blame, shame, and feelings of inadequacy without losing the pearls of wisdom you gained.
For example, consider how you’re smarter about people’s motivations and aspirations. How you know how to keep things in perspective. And how you’ve graduated from the School of Hard Knocks with flying colors. Those learnings will be invaluable in the future because your clear thinking will help save time and keep meaningful relationships intact. In the November series, Flip Your Failures with Soft Skills, we’ll put the soft skill How tactics you use every day to work to transform the ouch moments of 2023.
The first problem we’ll tackle is what happens by conflating external achievements with self-image.
With a famous family, you might think handling the spotlight was in Maria Shriver’s DNA. However, the opposite was true. She remembers being acutely aware that she wasn’t on the short list for attention when she hung out with her famous Kennedy relatives.
The problem of being what she termed “background noise” worsened during her marriage to Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a podcast with Hoda Kotb, she told how people ignored her, even pushing her out of the way or reaching across her to get to Arnold.
The upside was that Shriver’s experiences fueled her drive to be successful. But the downside was acute: Maria confused self-esteem with achievement. She reflected, “I thought that what made people seen was winning an Emmy, getting an award, getting a book, [or] being on TV. But what actually makes people feel seen and worthy is talking to them, sitting with them, calling them, slowing down.”
Do you relate to Maria Shriver’s story? Have you spent this year hustling for an award, pushing to get promoted, or trying to impress someone, only to wonder if or when people will see and appreciate the real you?
Disappointments that made you feel less than may make you ready to cut your losses. But don’t throw away the whole experience. Instead, keep this critical insight for the future: Achievements don’t mean much without a foundation of solid relationships.
Now, let’s use a simple three-step framework to get off the hamster wheel of negative thinking:
Let’s see how this framework works to help shift complicated feelings. For instance:
“This year, I chased a few goals and priorities which left me feeling empty. In the future, I will:
* Pursue goals that align with my values;
* Build my network one conversation, one deal, and one lunch at a time; and
* Find daily ways to recognize and validate my efforts.”
The best achievements have nothing to do with title or wealth—they’re built on quantifiable skills such as understanding the concerns of others. So, flip the bit on a negative self-image with this key takeaway: Rewarding results come from the heart.