I’ve been taking an informal poll about post-pandemic life, and the answers from my friends about what comes next are all over the board.
* “Spending time at our favorite getaway on the Oregon coast!”
* “Hugging my cousins at our annual family reunion!”
* “Eating out. A lot!”
And I’m dreaming about finally seeing a Broadway show and booking that trip to Paris and Berlin I was supposed to take in 2020.
Those answers show an important truth: The idea of a “perfect life” is incredibly personal. The perfect life can be easy to dream about but difficult to bring into the 3D world, especially when you encounter one pushback after another. But, if you’re ready to fight when you need to, the perfect life is in reach, no matter how imperfect it may seem to someone else.
Let me tell you about a man who decided limited thinking about what constituted the perfect family had to go.
It seemed like Luca Trapanese’s life was going to plan. He had been in a loving partnership for over a decade, and Luca envisioned the days ahead filled with love, laughter, and children.
Luca’s vision was shattered when they suddenly broke up. He knew how to get over a break-up, but Luca didn’t know how to let go of the ache in his heart to have a baby. So, he began pursuing adoption. Adoption seemed like a logical step, however, there was an enormous roadblock in his way: Italy’s strict adoption laws are biased against adoptions by single parents, especially when they are gay.
Luca persevered and got his dream call one day: A baby was available. But there was a dramatic backstory: Baby Alba had been left at the hospital after she was born with Down’s Syndrome, and twenty prospective couples had declined her since. However, Luca had long known and worked with special needs individuals. To outsiders, Luca and Alba seemed like an odd couple, but he knew instantly they were a perfect match.
Luca says, “Someone once asked, ‘If you had a magic wand, would you heal her?’ as if it were a disease, but in reality, Down’s Syndrome is not a disease, but a way of being. I say, ‘No—because otherwise, she wouldn’t be Alba.’ Alba is perfect as she is.” He continues, “Life with Alba is a full life, full of beautiful things.” (Be sure to watch this short video of their incredible story, and have tissues for your happy tears ready!)
The story of Luca and Alba brings home the point that the goal of setting norms isn’t to blend into the crowd. Instead, it’s about knowing and living what matters to you. Your life, your partnerships, and your values may not fit into an old cookie-cutter mold, but that’s ok. You get to decide your version of “normal.”
Luca’s goal of a fulfilling family life required digging deep and pulling on the soft skills of adaptability, creativity, and healthy self-confidence. Like him, you have what it takes to think on your feet, challenge old paradigms, and stick to your heart’s desire.
Here are three ways to begin:
In the February series, Reset Relationship Norms, we’ve talked about redefining your norms, and then using those norms to inform your relationships. Lately, the concept of norms has taken on a negative connotation, but norms are vital because they’re the baseline for etiquette, expectations, and even personal principles.
Would you want to be in a partnership without norms like accountability, respect, or integrity? Of course not! That’s why knowing your norms and seeing the red flags when they’re not there is priceless.
Here’s a recap of what we’ve learned:
The next time something feels off in a business, romantic, or community relationship, listen up—your instincts are whispering, “That’s not normal.” Then return to soft skills as the How to make changes. Address what’s missing like the creative, wise CEO of your life—a Soul Boss. Don’t underestimate how powerful your norms can be—reclaim them.